There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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