Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
