I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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