I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
