i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
