The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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