I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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