Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
