This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
