A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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