i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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