did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
