Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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