just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
