she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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