sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
