Do you still have your period?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
