I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
