You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
