So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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