the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
