Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
