There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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