so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
