Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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