i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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