chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
