i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
