So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
