Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Randomize
