Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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