All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
