If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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