remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
