I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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