ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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