I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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