How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
