is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
