I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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