Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
