I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
a search helicopter?!
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
