Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
