Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
