when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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