I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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