gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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