I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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