Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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