So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
