The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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