my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
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