Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
