I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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