great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
