you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
