Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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