You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
