How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
