I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
