How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
