I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Randomize
